Journal Writing with Deborah

Long ago, a mentor said to me, “Deborah, to gain the career you want, you must schmooze.”  I interpreted schmoozing as going to functions that you do not like, where there are powerful, or potentially powerful, people in your industry and ingratiate yourself to this group.

As an introvert, highly-sensitive person, and chitchat avoid-er, I was never really comfortable with schmoozing.

A local leader in my industry invited a select few university students to his house for dinner. Guess it’s time to schmooze; I accept.

Turns out I misheard. The dinner party is actually cocktails by the pool -one of those gatherings where you stand around and pontificate over a glass of Merlot.  I did not anticipate this scene. (1)Chitchat is always awkward and (2) dinner would have given me something to do.  Now, my teetotaling self must stand there with a glass of water trying to be interesting. Already I’m uncomfortable and want to go home.

However, I recall my mentor’s words – Schmooze, Deborah. Schmooze!

I remain at the party,  but I stand next to the Gouda tray, hoping to blend in to the nearby ferns, I guess. One of my classmates sidles up to me -a classmate who is clearly on his second glass and who has never said more to me then, “What’s the homework?”    Holding forth about his career, he says, “Yep! I do not like [our industry] – it’s boring, it’s tedious, I can’t stand it.” ” But this,” he says, sweeping his glass in an arch towards the house, the pool, and the cheese,” is why I’m doing it.”

Sip.

At that moment, I stopped feeling awkward and contemplated what I had just heard. This young man was going into a career that he already knows he does not like, just to have a pool that he will not have time to use. The industry that we were headed into works you with long hours; he would only have to time to brag about the pool at work, not actually use it. Not only that, once he earns the physical object he wants,  he is still left with the career that he hates.

Maybe that’s why he felt the need to imbibe, to get away. I felt an enormous wave of pity towards him. “Isn’t there any other way to buy your pool,” I thought, “than putting yourself through a career that is clearly torture for you?”

Hours later at home, as I contemplated the scene again, I realized I had also tortured myself by staying longer than I should have.  Years later I realized that I had done a disservice to  myself  by  being in denial and remaining in an industry and a culture that I did not like.

I say this, fellow introvert, not to discourage you from accepting invitations, but to learn from my mismanagement of self.

Sure, we all do uncomfortable things, that’s a part of life. However, many introverts still complain about networking. I posit that schmoozing might not always be the problem for introverts on the career hunt; sometimes the issue is in not knowing what is important enough to us to be worth the discomfort.

Going to that party was an attempt to boost a career that I did not want. (But I had not yet admitted that to myself.). Therefore, staying at the party past my comfort was not worth the time.  I could have used the time to build a different career in another, more organic way.

We’ve talked about dirt sandwiches before on this website. Every lifestyle -whether introverted or not- has something unpleasant about it, what I call a “dirt sandwich.”

For an introvert, that might mean the unpleasantness of networking to find a job, or suffering through initial chitchat to find compatible friends. Whatever your dirt sandwich may be, you must decide this: For what are you so hungry that you do not mind grit in your teeth to gain or maintain that life?

Everybody must decide this, not only introverts. It’s just that the dirt sandwiches differ with each person.

For introverts, maybe the job which requires so much networking isn’t for you, even if you are good at the job. Perhaps the psychological and emotional cost of entry for that career is not within your emotional budget right now. Perhaps your mind is trying to tell you to go in another direction and you are not listening.

Perhaps more introverts should ask, “What would I like my life to look like?” Answer that, and networking  becomes just another dirt sandwich – nothing pleasant, but nothing quite so major as it was for me at that party.

Since that party, I have reinterpreted schmoozing as being around like-minded people. It has been my experience that when you become excited about a job or career -one that you really want-  you might be nervous at first, but you plow right through, even if it comes at the high cost of social interaction. And sometimes it’s actually fun -Imagine that!- because you are discussing topics that are interesting to you with people who share that interest.

You learn to create a budget for networking, psychologically. That might mean that after networking, or interviewing, or whatever-ing, you decide to journal about your progress (or however you decompress). Before a meeting, you might have butterflies in your stomach, a frog in your throat – basically, the whole animal kingdom in your gut- but you push through it, because it gets you closer to that life you want so much.

Let me sum it up. To introverts on the career/job hunt:

1. What would you like your life to look like?
2. Does that job/career get you closer to that life in a meaningful way?
3. Make sure to budget -psychologically- if that career you want comes with the high cost of schmoozing.
4. Schmoozing is a little less aggravating when you’re working towards something meaningful to you.
5. (Oh yes, and don’t try to do this alone, if possible. Have someone who can commiserate with you -whether that’s a career coach, friends/ family, or the nice people on your Facebook group.)

Peace be with you,

Deborah

Conferences can be informative and enriching for you personally and professionally. However, they can be a bit draining for an introvert – one who, among other things, tends to find energy in solitude.

Here’s how yours truly – an introvert- has navigated some of the multi-day conferences.

1. Go to the conference with a list of goals. You might wish to list something for every day of the event. e.g. Day 1- Exchange contact information with one person who meets X quality. Day 2- Eat alone, etc.
2. Anyone -extrovert or introvert-  will be exhausted with 4 days of sitting down for lectures at 10 or 12 hours each day. That’s a lot of sitting. Be sure to exercise before going down to the lecture hall.
3. If the conference is big enough to have concurrent lectures, it’s easier to skip out without being noticed. Do it, if you need to do so. You are not being rude; you are taking care of your health.
4. If you go to a big business conference, be prepared to sign a waiver wherein you give permission to be photographed. Your image might appear in their promotional materials. This is becoming increasingly standard. Just a heads up.
5. Bring raisins to boost your energy for the marathon conferences. Raisins are small and portable and there is no noise to disturb anyone.
6. If possible, stay at the hotel where the conference is taking place – there is less hassle to go back to your room and order room service.
7. It is ok to skip a lecture (unless your employer sent you there to take notes, in which case, tough it out, then reward yourself later. Also consider a new job.).
8. If this is a trip you are taking with other people, consider going to different lectures and connect with them later with your notes. This gives you time to leave and return to a lecture without needing to explain anything.
9. One time, at a small conference, the host made it clear NOT to go back to your hotel room and order room service during lunch. Instead, she wanted everyone to go to lunch with a different person on each day of the conference. I did it, thinking I would miss out on something. That was a mistake. The people with whom I ate lunch were nice, but I never saw or heard from them again. Meanwhile, I was drained from being around a lot of people all day without a break. Don’t allow the fear of missing out to rule the day. You know your body better than anyone else. Listen to it.
10. For bigger conferences with cameras everywhere, the spotlights are mostly focused on the stage, except during Q & A when they are turned on the audience. One time I had had enough of the spotlight in my eyes, stood up and went to the back wall. Just FYI.
11. That hot item that you MUST HAVE to buy in the concession hall/ book emporium is on the lecturer’s website or on Amazon. You don’t need to bum rush the concession hall if you’re tired, no matter what they tell you.
12. The concession room/ book emporium/exhibit hall -which you visit during a break in the lectures- will place any food at the back wall. Just to buy a sandwich, you will need to run a gauntlet of booths filled with people who are trying to sell you their latest book or program. Decide whether you have the energy needed to do this. Remember why you are in there. Finding the booth number of your favorite businesses or groups ahead of time helps you to make a beeline for them; then you can run right out again, if needed.
13. At the end of each day (perhaps even after each lecture, if there is enough time), return to your notes to cement the ideas you want in your brain. This is also a way to decompress on your own.
14. Before going to the conference, check to see which lecturers have a website and which ones do not (most people do have one now-a-days). If two concurrent sessions seem interesting, go for the one who has no website, and catch up with the other one online later. (That’s how I found a mentor, by the way. The lecturer with no website had nothing to say; the lecturer that I missed, and whose content I checked out later, became my mentor.)
15. Make sure you have an online presence, as well. Business cards are going the way of the dinosaur. People check out your stuff in an instant  – your website, your Twitter account, etc. People will want to catch up with you later. It’s a great way not to have to talk too much if they know they can dive into your content later.

These are a few of the ways that I have navigated multi-day conferences as an introvert.

What are your tips?

All the best,

Deborah

P.S. Find more about introversion by clicking the Introverts category or tag.